sarcasm 101

There are a lot of questions I'm asked on a regular basis that are driving me nuts. I know for the most part people are just trying to make conversation, but when you are asked the same thing half a million times, it gets old really quick. People's intentions are often good, as they are showing an interest in our life, but there are some people who just ask things to get the goods to use in later conversations with others, because their own lives are so painfully boring that they can't speak about anything else. If you've asked me any of these questions or said any of these statements, don't take it personally that I'm slightly annoyed. It's not you, it's my short fuse. Normally, I will give a nice and polite response, but the following is what I'm often thinking.

Q: W is so small! I can't believe he's almost 2. He looks like he's only 15 or 16 months. Is there something wrong with him?
A: Nothing is wrong with him, I just refuse to feed him. Why waste the money? Plus this way, I never have to buy clothes for him because he never grows out of them. And the next time you see a 15 month old clearing the ground when he jumps and telling you when he has to go "poo-poo", call me.

Q: Wow, he's so bald! Do you shave his head?
A: Yeah, every morning. Because I have that kind of time.

Q: She STILL isn't sleeping through the night? Why?
A: Because I poke her in the ribs until she wakes up. I like feeling deliriously tired all the time. It gives the same feeling as being drunk, but being tired doesn't give you a hangover and it's free!

Q: You're STILL breastfeeding CB? When are you going to stop?
A: When she goes to college. Maybe. And I'm so glad you are focusing your attention on me doing something NATURAL and healthy for both of us, when there are parents out there beating their kids. Shouldn't you be focusing your attention on them? And, by the way, you can use the word "still" when she's been breastfeeding for 3+ years. She's hardly six months old, people!

Q: She sleeps in your bed?? You're never going to be able to break that habit. When are you going to stop?
A: See previous response.

Q: Oh good, you have a boy and a girl now. So you're done having kids, right?
A. Oh yeah, absolutely. I have the prize family and because I have one of each gender and my life is totally complete. Don't imply that we shouldn't want more kids because we have one of each. When I'm done having babies, I'll let you know.

Q: How many do you want, then?
A: A basketball team. Or enough to make up a successful singing group so I can exploit them and take all their money. Don't worry people, we won't be single handedly overpopulating the earth.

Q: How are you surviving with your husband being gone?
A: With lots of pills, a recreational drug or two and copious amounts of alcohol.

Q: Do you miss him?
A: Not at all. It's so much fun caring for the kids and the house all alone in a foreign country, like one big adventure. It's great not having him around to get in the way when the babies do something new and I get them all to myself. Plus, now I have a lot less laundry to do.

Q: Are you ever going to go back to work?
A: What the heck do you think I do all day???