Tuesday, May 13, 2008

see ya!

I'm fixin to be one of "those girls" and ditch all of my friends to go hang out with the dude I'm seeing. Lord willing, I will be picking my husband up from the airport sometime in the next 12 hours and from there, he and I are headed out on our first vacation alone together since December of 2004 for half of his R&R. This will actually be the first time we ever flown together. That's going to be weird. I'm very particular and have a stringent routine about how I go through security so he's most likely going to get annoyed with me. And I'm sure that will only be the first time I'll be on his nerves during this trip. It should be a good time though. It's been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG nine and a half months since he left and we need this. Dang it, we deserve this.

Thanks to all who are making this trip possible for us by allowing us to freeload off of you: the grandparents for taking care of the kids for the next week, my aunt and her friend for the plane tickets, my aunt and uncle for letting us stay with them for a couple days and setting up a fishing charter for us (or as my best friend T calls it, being a bath toy for the whales) and to T for letting us stay with her for a couple of days too, even though she's 9 months pregnant and admittedly cranky. I promise I will try not to get on your nerves too and I will bring a peace offering of mayo and Texas toast. Crap, that means I have to go to the store and get the toast. I forgot. Ok, I will bring a peace offering of mayo and spend the $13.25 to send you 2, $2.10 bags of Texas toast in the mail once we get home.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

sick and twisted

The person who planned this either has a sick sense of humor or is an idiot.

All of these cows...

get to stare at...

this billboard ALL day long...

I drive by this dairy 3 times a week and didn't notice the irony until a couple of days ago, on a really bad day. And it made me laugh, really hard. So maybe I'm the one with a sick sense of humor? Muuuuuummmmmmmmm, Beef.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Today I packed the beasts up and headed to town to run some errands. Probably not the best of ideas considering that one has a fever that won't quit and the other is cutting six teeth right now, but I put on my big girl panties and went anyway. The monsters did surprisingly well, although it probably helped that I bought them whatever they pointed at. Doesn't everyone need a box of Diego band aids and box of Chicken in a Basket crackers that will never be eaten?

We made it through the checkout line with ease, as W was very excited to "pay for it" his band aids so he could finally! open them. As we trekked to the car, the boxes of diapers spilled out from the bottom of the cart because I went down the little slope in front of the store too fast, and as I was picking them up this huge, lifted, loud, 2007 Dodge blazed past us. Jerks, for real. They turned down the row I was parked in, second from the middle of nowhere, and just stopped in the middle of the aisle.

Then this woman got out and the best way to describe her was, well, "woof". She was not a pretty woman at all. It wasn't even her appearance that was unattractive. You could just tell that she was an ugly person on the inside. She lumbered over to the bed of the truck, while yelling some ridiculous obscenities at the driver and proceeded to pull a stroller out. Me, being the stroller nerd I am, quickly noted that it was a Graco Laura Ashley travel system from 2007. That set will run you about $280, so it's not cheap. She was having trouble with the stroller so the driver got out, opened it for her, kissed her goodbye and told her he would be back in an hour. I wasn't paying too much attention to them after that, but I did think it was really weird that he was dropping her off in the middle of the aisle that was in the middle of nowhere and not at the front of the store like most normal people do but I brushed it off figuring she probably wanted (needed) the exercise. Good for her.

A couple of minutes later I had finished loading our junk into the trunk and I heard the woman approaching me. If you know me, you know parking lots and me don't mix. Most of my public disturbance offenses have occured in them. If I'm in a parking lot, it means I'm on my way to go somewhere or want to go somewhere. I don't have time to waste and I don't want to stay and chat with anyone, unless you are bleeding, being mugged, or stung by a bee. As soon as I heard, "Could I have a moment of your time, please?" I made my judgment, and it wasn't a good one. So I turned and glared at her, as if to say "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!" and in the most fake, wannabe, half British half Russian with a touch of a Southern drawl accent that she didn't have 3 minutes earlier when she was screaming at the dude in the truck, she says:

"God bless you good woman. My husband has recently left me and he didn't leave me any money. I was just on my way over here to drop off an application for employment and I was wondering if you could give me some money so I could buy my baby formula. I don't have enough to last through the rest of the week. Could you please help us?"

Um, wait, aren't you the chick who just got out of that big @$$, less than 1 year old Dodge? The one that was driven by the dude who got out and gave you a kiss goodbye? Are you seriously pushing a midsize Graco travel system right now? One that could get you at least $100 on Craigslist? Is there even a baby in that carseat? I can't tell because there's a huge fleece blanket covering it, even though it's EIGHTY DEGREES out today! Don't play me, seriously. I'm not stupid.

I just looked at her and had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. I couldn't believe she was even trying this with me. Of course I wasn't going to give her money, but I told her I had something for her, and this, people, is why I'm a horrible person.

You see, in my car I happened to have a bunch of breastfeeding pamphlets from Lansinoh and a few baby wearing handouts. Plus I happened to have some brochures on how to use your carseat correctly. And I gave them to her because the way I see it is if you are really hard up for cash then breastfeeding and baby wearing is one way to cut back on expenses. At least you could sell the stroller for cash, right?

When I handed her the propeganda, the carseat brochure was on top and she asked why she would need that because she didn't have a car. And I was like, really? That wasn't you getting out of that truck that was parked here a few seconds ago? And her cover was blown. And I laughed. And then I booked it out of there because who knows if she was really smuggling a very large gun or knife under that blanket. But I couldn't get out before Karma gave me a warning, as I accidentally kicked the tire of the car parked next to me and broke my big toenail down to the skin, ruining my perfect pedicure.

I'll take the karma, though. It was worth it. There are some things that just don't fly with me and dishonesty is one of them. My husband works his butt off to make an honest living and for someone to try to freaking free load off of us is insulting. I have no problem with people who legitimately need financial assistance and will gladly direct them to a place where they can get help, but do NOT try to pass yourself off as being in need when you clearly are not and are clearly too lazy to go out and make your money in a morally right and honest way. It's just not right.

It will catch up with her though, I'm sure of it. As I was waiting for a car to pull out so I could leave, she approached a couple who had walked by us earlier and did the same exact speech, with a slightly different accent this time. They looked at her and said, "Please do yourself a favor and get a real job. We heard the conversation you had with that woman and we aren't buying your story either". Thank goodness.