Sunday, May 4, 2008


Today I packed the beasts up and headed to town to run some errands. Probably not the best of ideas considering that one has a fever that won't quit and the other is cutting six teeth right now, but I put on my big girl panties and went anyway. The monsters did surprisingly well, although it probably helped that I bought them whatever they pointed at. Doesn't everyone need a box of Diego band aids and box of Chicken in a Basket crackers that will never be eaten?

We made it through the checkout line with ease, as W was very excited to "pay for it" his band aids so he could finally! open them. As we trekked to the car, the boxes of diapers spilled out from the bottom of the cart because I went down the little slope in front of the store too fast, and as I was picking them up this huge, lifted, loud, 2007 Dodge blazed past us. Jerks, for real. They turned down the row I was parked in, second from the middle of nowhere, and just stopped in the middle of the aisle.

Then this woman got out and the best way to describe her was, well, "woof". She was not a pretty woman at all. It wasn't even her appearance that was unattractive. You could just tell that she was an ugly person on the inside. She lumbered over to the bed of the truck, while yelling some ridiculous obscenities at the driver and proceeded to pull a stroller out. Me, being the stroller nerd I am, quickly noted that it was a Graco Laura Ashley travel system from 2007. That set will run you about $280, so it's not cheap. She was having trouble with the stroller so the driver got out, opened it for her, kissed her goodbye and told her he would be back in an hour. I wasn't paying too much attention to them after that, but I did think it was really weird that he was dropping her off in the middle of the aisle that was in the middle of nowhere and not at the front of the store like most normal people do but I brushed it off figuring she probably wanted (needed) the exercise. Good for her.

A couple of minutes later I had finished loading our junk into the trunk and I heard the woman approaching me. If you know me, you know parking lots and me don't mix. Most of my public disturbance offenses have occured in them. If I'm in a parking lot, it means I'm on my way to go somewhere or want to go somewhere. I don't have time to waste and I don't want to stay and chat with anyone, unless you are bleeding, being mugged, or stung by a bee. As soon as I heard, "Could I have a moment of your time, please?" I made my judgment, and it wasn't a good one. So I turned and glared at her, as if to say "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!" and in the most fake, wannabe, half British half Russian with a touch of a Southern drawl accent that she didn't have 3 minutes earlier when she was screaming at the dude in the truck, she says:

"God bless you good woman. My husband has recently left me and he didn't leave me any money. I was just on my way over here to drop off an application for employment and I was wondering if you could give me some money so I could buy my baby formula. I don't have enough to last through the rest of the week. Could you please help us?"

Um, wait, aren't you the chick who just got out of that big @$$, less than 1 year old Dodge? The one that was driven by the dude who got out and gave you a kiss goodbye? Are you seriously pushing a midsize Graco travel system right now? One that could get you at least $100 on Craigslist? Is there even a baby in that carseat? I can't tell because there's a huge fleece blanket covering it, even though it's EIGHTY DEGREES out today! Don't play me, seriously. I'm not stupid.

I just looked at her and had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. I couldn't believe she was even trying this with me. Of course I wasn't going to give her money, but I told her I had something for her, and this, people, is why I'm a horrible person.

You see, in my car I happened to have a bunch of breastfeeding pamphlets from Lansinoh and a few baby wearing handouts. Plus I happened to have some brochures on how to use your carseat correctly. And I gave them to her because the way I see it is if you are really hard up for cash then breastfeeding and baby wearing is one way to cut back on expenses. At least you could sell the stroller for cash, right?

When I handed her the propeganda, the carseat brochure was on top and she asked why she would need that because she didn't have a car. And I was like, really? That wasn't you getting out of that truck that was parked here a few seconds ago? And her cover was blown. And I laughed. And then I booked it out of there because who knows if she was really smuggling a very large gun or knife under that blanket. But I couldn't get out before Karma gave me a warning, as I accidentally kicked the tire of the car parked next to me and broke my big toenail down to the skin, ruining my perfect pedicure.

I'll take the karma, though. It was worth it. There are some things that just don't fly with me and dishonesty is one of them. My husband works his butt off to make an honest living and for someone to try to freaking free load off of us is insulting. I have no problem with people who legitimately need financial assistance and will gladly direct them to a place where they can get help, but do NOT try to pass yourself off as being in need when you clearly are not and are clearly too lazy to go out and make your money in a morally right and honest way. It's just not right.

It will catch up with her though, I'm sure of it. As I was waiting for a car to pull out so I could leave, she approached a couple who had walked by us earlier and did the same exact speech, with a slightly different accent this time. They looked at her and said, "Please do yourself a favor and get a real job. We heard the conversation you had with that woman and we aren't buying your story either". Thank goodness.


Jen said...

omg - I can't believe that really happened. Good for you for saying something - I would have mumbled something about no cash and slinked (slunk?) away.

Imcombobulated said...

How infuriating!!!!
Good for you. People like that piss me off to no end. They are not only taking advantage of the people approach, but also people who genuinely need assistance.

Anonymous said...

My dear Jo, are you some kind of magnet for adventures like this? You do handle them well...and this makes for good blog stuff, however ... .

You need to know that W comes by the bandaid thing honestly - when I was little my favorite Little Golden Book was "Doctor Dan the Bandage Man." The best part was a free bandaid in the back cover! That was before Doctor Ann was socially acceptable, but we won't go there. Love.

Jenni said...

Wow handled yourself very well! I would have probably said a little more than that. I'm glad you didn't give her anything...

Do they really make that much money scamming people in parking lots???

Michelle said...

You rock, Jo. Sorry about your toe, though.

Anonymous said...

OMG! you are definitely a magnet for weird parking lot experiences! the nerve of some people- that is horrible.