Friday, June 27, 2008


For the past few months I have been feeling a bit of discomfort in my upper jaw whenever I put pressure on the right side. I would only really feel it when I was washing my face or put my face in my hands... or was smacked in the head by one of my kids. I didn't think anything of it until last week when I felt a bump and realized I had a huge blister looking thing on my gum. Attractive, really.

I called for an appointment with my good friend the dentist and was told to come in that day. Of course, before I left I had to google my symptoms and was told by Dr. WebMD that I most likely had oral cancer. Fantastic. Then on the way to the appointment, there was an add on the radio about oral cancer awareness. And when I got to my appointment they were playing a cheesy informational DVD in the waiting room and wouldn't you know it, they were talking about oral cancer.

When I got into the room I was prepared for the worst. They took a few x-rays and then the doc came in and, without even looking in my mouth, told me the good news. I didn't have oral cancer but I needed a root canal. Whaaaaaaaaaat? No. I do not need a root canal. Thanks though. See ya later, dude. "Not so fast", was his answer and he handed me a script for antibiotics and then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't have a root canal done soon, I was going to die. Well, he didn't say I was going to die, but he might as well have.

On Monday I went for the root canal and I was less than thrilled. Before I had left the previous appointment, the receptionist assured me everything would be fine and that she had, in fact, slept through hers when she had one done. That chick must be used to sleeping on shards of glass and thorns because there was NO way I could have slept through my root canal.

Before the dentist came in to drill, one of the assistants numbed me. I don't like that part, particularly the swab of topical ointment that they put on your gum before they shoot you up. That crap makes me drool and I am too pretty to drool. Once I was numb, the dentist came in to start. Before he started, I asked him if he was going to be nice to me and he said he would, if I was nice to him. Typically we fight so this was a welcome compromise.

I'm known in the office as being his "favorite" because we are constantly arguing. For some reason, my appointments are always scheduled right before his lunch so he's always anxious to get out and he always orders his lunch while he's working on me. How unfair is that?! I can't eat, so why should he? It's practically inhumane to even talk about food in front of a person who clearly cannot eat and won't be able to for a couple of hours. What's worse is sometimes when the appointments go long, he will run off and take a bite of his lunch and then come back to finish his work. I can smell that, jerk!

It wasn't hard to be nice to him at this appointment. I was pretty nervous so I wasn't armed with as much energy and whit as I normally am. He started to drill and everything was fine, until he put the first file into the tooth. That is when I flew out of the chair and hit the wall. I felt EVERYTHING. The tears started immediately and I couldn't stop crying. He pulled the file out right away and tried to ask me what was wrong, but I couldn't exactly talk because my mouth was filled with dental crap and because I was crying too hard. I thought it was pretty obvious I had felt everything, but apparently I was wrong.

He yelled for the girl who numbed me and asked her what the heck happened, and she innocently told him that she had only numbed the front of the area and not behind the tooth. That meant she only numbed one of the nerves, not both. I have no idea what I did to piss her off, but it must have been something serious because I would not have done that to even my worst enemy.

The dentist was really angry with her and was trying to calm me down, but I couldn't stop crying. I birthed 2 children without so much as a tylenol for pain and I was freaking losing my mind over this. It was agony and ugly. He gave me a shot of novocaine right away and gave me some time to calm down. Then he came back and started again, but I could still feel everything. I hadn't calmed down all the way so I was still crying but the crying was getting uglier by the second.

It was in that moment that I realized it wasn't just the pain that was making me cry. I realized that everything wrong in my life could be summed up in that little infected tooth. On the surface, everything was fine and bearable. You couldn't really tell there was even a problem, unless you pushed the right way. But once it was opened up, it all came pouring out. There was no way to control the pain, I just had to let it happen because I did not have any other choice. I couldn't run, I couldn't hide. I had to sit there and take it and try to cope in the best way I possibly could. And what was supposed to help with the pain wasn't helping and there was nothing to help make me feel better beyond that.

That is exactly what the past year has been like for me. I didn't realize until then just how hard it has been. I don't like it and I would like our normal life back now, please. I know that we have to go through this to be stronger and better people, just as I know I had to have a root canal so my tooth would be stronger and better, but come on already. I'm ready to be done. I want my husband and I can't have him. I want my kids to have their father but they can't. I want to be a family and have memories together. I want to be able to talk to him when I want and not wait 4 days for an email from him. I want him home and I want to be home. I want it to be over and I hate that I have to sit through the pain and frustration to get there. I hate not having a choice.

It took 3 more shots of novocaine before I got to the point that I wasn't in severe pain and hysterical, although I cried the entire time and was shaking so bad they couldn't take a clear x-ray. It was miserable. He explained to me that the novocaine probably took so long to work after he gave me the shots because the infection was so bad and the infection and the elements of the novocaine have a tendency to cancel each other out. He said it would hurt for awhile, but I should feel better soon.

The next day the pain was worse and I ended up in his office again. He tried to assure me that everything was fine and the pain I was feeling was normal, but gave me a prescription for vicodin anyway. I didn't take the vicodin. I figured the side effects of that (sleeping for 18 straight hours) would be worse than the pain I was in.

I feel a little better now and so does my tooth. The funny thing is that I didn't realize just how much the tooth was constantly hurting until he fixed it. If I had let the tooth go, it would have been so much worse in the end so it was a good choice to get the root canal done, even though it hurt like the heck. I guess it's the same for dealing with my feelings. I didn't know I was so messed up over this D thing and if I hadn't have gone through this experience, chances are good it would have gotten so bad that I would have ended up shutting down. Even though the pain is lingering, I feel stronger and better and a bit more optimistic that I can make it through the rest of this because I have dealt with how I feel about it. I guess we all need a good "ugly cry" nervous breakdown every once in awhile. Next time though, I'm getting the gas.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

relieve your bladder and grab a snack

cause this is going to be a long one. But remember, you asked for it so it's not my fault.

One month ago, M was home on his R&R. I can't believe it's been a month since he was here. It doesn't seem that long ago, but at the same time, it seems like forever ago. The thing about R&R is that it's an emotionally charged time warp and a big fat tease. You know you have to make the most of every single second and that can be hard because when things don't go as you wanted them to, you get that much more upset. Plus, you are getting a taste of what your life should be like but isn't, and just about the time that you get used to living that life again, it's time for it to come to an end and that is just plain cruel. But we survived it and had a really good time in the process.

The day after M got here, we flew to Alaska. I felt so bad for him because he had been flying for more than 35 hours to get to us, and then he had to get on another flight. So I upgraded us to First, and now we can never fly Coach again. When we got to Alaska, we met up with our best friends T&I at the airport and spent a good hour making fun of tapered pants and fanny packs and trying to get our rental car. I pissed the rental car dude off for some reason, so he made sure to be extra slow. It's not my fault he doesn't have a sense of humor. Once we finally had all of our junk and were loaded in the car, we went to dinner with T&I. That stupid 20 hours of daylight thing was seriously messing with me and I had no idea it was nearly 10pm by the time we were done eating.

After dinner, we drove to one of the nicest resorts in Alaska, which was incredible. I've always wanted to stay there, but because I'm cheap, never did because I never wanted to pay the money. We just happened to have stayed there the last day before Summer Season started, so we got the room for half the price we would have paid the next day. And, no, I did not plan our entire trip around the fact that we could stay there for a cheaper rate if we stayed there that particular day... ok, maybe I did. There's nothing wrong with that!

That next morning, it was pouring down rain and we drove down to my old stomping grounds. By the time we got there, we were beat. It was a crazy drive. I was hungry the whole time and managed to finish off a 1 pound bag of jelly beans in less than an hour, which only made me more hungry, and M was stressing out because he had gone from driving in dust storms and 105 degree heat in the shade to driving in freezing rain and snow. One of the fun things about driving through Alaska is that there's really no place to pull over to grab something to eat for miles and miles and miles and miles. And just when you think you've find somewhere to stop, you've already passed it and think there might be something up ahead, but there never is and 4 hours later, we were still driving, and I was still hungry and subsequently annoyed at everything.

The next day we were rested and fed and had coffee in us so life was good. And, we were halibut fishing. Well, M was fishing. I was "supervising". The first time I dropped my line into the water, I got a bite. I could have sworn the fish on the end was at least 675 pounds. At least. And I am NOT exaggerating. That thing was huge and there was no way I could bring it up. So M did it for me. And some time between when the fish bit the bait and the time M pulled it up, it must have switched places with a minnow because the fish M brought up was no 675 pounds, but was about 20 pounds. What a letdown. We didn't let it discourage us though. We spent the next 4 hours waiting for "the one", and it never came. Instead we brought up about 35 babies and 6 decent sized ones. It became a joke because we knew that if I could bring the fish in, we were going to be throwing it back. I couldn't bring in any that were more than 10 pounds. It was too hard and I don't do hard labor.

Before you get all up in arms about the whole "catch and release" thing and how inhumane it is, let me say that we were doing these fish a favor. Every fish we caught got a delicious meal of half a herring. Clearly, they were hungry or they wouldn't have been biting, so we were really doing something good for them. We could only keep 4 fish, and we ended up with about 29 pounds of fish meat to freeze. 29 pounds of fish that cost me over $200 to send back home. It hurt the debit card, but was worth it in the end because that fish is de. lish. ous.

That night I couldn't move my arms. I couldn't even feel my arms. They hurt so bad, which says a lot considering I was only bringing up the guppies (next purchase = free weights). And they hurt well into the next day as we were driving to our next destination. In true karmatic fashion, it was the only clear day we had while we were there. I should have known not to take the weather for granted and made M pull the car over from time to time so we could take pictures of the beautiful scenery. People who live there know the weather literally changes every 5 minutes so take advantage of what you have when you have it. I guess I'm not an Alaskan anymore. My bad.

The next day was gray, cold, and rainy. Perfect day for a boat tour, really... yeah right. It was ridiculously cold and I should have worn a jacket, but didn't because it didn't match my outfit. It's all a matter of how you look and dang it, I looked way hot, so there was no way I was going to wear a jacket. Jackets make me look fat. Plus, we were inside 98% of the time so it shouldn't have been too much of an issue. Of course, it ended up being an issue because I spent more time that I thought I would outside messing with the camera. These tours normally bring you up close and personal to lots of wildlife and sea life, but apparently the animals know better than humans and don't go out in inclement weather.

We only ended up seeing 2 bears, a few goats and a bunch of birds. And by "seeing", I mean we think we spotted the outline of some of these animals from 6000 yards away. We should have just gone to the zoo. At least they would have been life size instead of half an inch tall and we might have been able to see their faces. Or maybe I should invest in a zoom attachment for the camera.

While we were inside we were sitting next to a couple from South Africa and got into a fun discussion about politics and what is wrong with both of our respective countries. Somewhere in the discussion the guy mentioned he was a vegetarian, which threw me into a fit of giggles. I'm really not an intolerant jerk who likes to torture fish and thinks vegetarians are hilarious, I promise you. You have to understand, this guy was 6 foot 5 and about 400 pounds of solid mass. And as I was laughing I saw M start to freak out and give me that "Shut the heck up before this dude jumps me" look. The guy looked at me and asked me what was so funny and I told him I thought he was making a joke because I had never seen a vegetarian as big as him... and then I realized that I was potentially pissing off a 6 foot 5, 400 pound wall of muscle. And I got nervous. But, he was just messing around (much to M's relief) and we ended up talking for the rest of the ride. It's always interesting to talk to other people and I learned a lot from them. That alone was worth the price of the tour, and was much more interesting, I hate to say.

After we docked and got rid of our sea legs, we drove up to another hotel and well, lets just say I don't remember much about that night because that was the night I remembered just how much I love vodka and how much I had missed it over the past 2 years. Forget Cosmos, Caramel Martinis are the way to go! Thank goodness I am a lightweight because I was done after 2 and at $9 a pop, that was certainly a good thing for the debit card.

We got to the hotel late, around 8, and went to the bar area right away to get some dinner. It was pretty crowded when we got there and we got the last table in the place. M and I were talking, well, it was mostly me talking about how much I wanted my fries already, and in our own little world. And then suddenly, it was quiet and when we looked around, the entire place had cleared out. It was like a ghost town in there in a matter of seconds. M couldn't figure out what was going on, but because I had worked in the tourism industry before, I knew exactly what had happened. It was 9pm. Bedtime for the older generation. And because M and I were the youngest people there, and anywhere we went for that matter, we had the place to ourselves, which meant we had impeccable service. Our waiter was one lucky dude because he got a very large tip.

We shut the place down at 11-- late night, right? And the next morning was hilarious. Tourists make me laugh so hard and they are truly the best in the morning. I don't know why that is, but it's consistently true. I think it's because they have more energy in the morning and are just rearing to go, but I'm not sure. There should be a study done on them. They are certainly a breed of their own...

More about the crazy tourists soon, I promise.

Note: if you can't see the pictures, let me know. I've been having trouble with my browser and can't see them in firefox. That could just be my computer though, it likes to do phantom things sometimes.

Monday, June 16, 2008

yeah, I know.

You can stop with the emails already. I know I suck. I know I'm a slacker and I know I'm a big fat letdown. I honestly have been trying to blog about our trip, I swear. I've been working on it for a little over a week but just haven't been able to finish. There is just too much stupid stuff to do like bathing my kids and feeding them... trying to keep them entertained so they don't turn on each other. Oh and there's the laundry and the cleaning and the cooking and the shopping. Responsibility really sucks sometimes.

We've been so busy since M left, I haven't even been able to unpack. I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in a night since 2 days before he left and I'm beat. The kids have had horrid allergies and have been pretty cranky, especially W. He's been refusing to go to bed and doesn't fall asleep until 10:30 or 11 now. By the time he's finally down, I get to do all of the chores I neglected during the day and then before I know it, it's 2am and I'm able to sit down but then end up falling asleep on the couch watching infomercials.

I'm sorry, I really am. I promise to try to be a better blogger soon. But not tonight. Tonight I'm taking W to a Giant's game. Wish us luck. In the meantime, here's a look at some of our family pictures that my friend J so kindly came out and took for us. Getting 4 people to look at the camera and to look good at the same time is pretty much impossible but she somehow managed to take fantastic pictures.

Monday, June 9, 2008


This is why sharpie needs to make organic permanent markers:

Then I wouldn't feel so bad about all the toxins in the markers when my child decides to color on himself when he should be sleeping. These pictures were taken about 5 days ago, but he did it again today, this time with a hot pink sharpie. I didn't get pictures of that one because I was too irritated, but let's just say most of his scalp, forehead and nose are a pretty shade of bubble gum pink now. As are his arms, hands and stomach. I have no idea where he gets the markers from or where they come from; he's just ninja like that. I didn't have any baby oil to get it off and rubbing alcohol would hurt his skin, so we used olive oil. Boy did he smell nice... like an appetizer. At least he didn't do the blue again. Blue looks like bruises as it's fading and I really don't need CPS on my butt.

Friday, June 6, 2008

excuse me while i freak the heck out

I know I promised you guys a post all about our trip but that's not going to happen tonight because I'm too exhausted to deal with resizing and uploading pictures. It's been one of those days. Well, two days actually. Thing are just crazy and only getting more ridiculous by the second. I guess it's God's way of bringing me back to reality after our whirlwind 18 day "vacation", and boy is he doing a good job of bringing me back.

I mean, really, there's no bigger reality check than having your bank card denied at the Dollar Store. The DOLLAR STORE, people! For freaking real. My card was denied yesterday. It's not like I was shopping at Nordstroms and buying a $400 dress. No, I was buying napkins and paper plates. Now that is borderline white trash right there. Heck, I'll own it. It is white trash. In fact, I think that's the most white trash thing that has ever happened to me, and I've had a lot of WT moments.

It wouldn't have been so bad if my lack of funds didn't interrupt the cigarette break of the manager of the store, and there wasn't a line of 6 people behind me... because apparently the Dollar Store can't afford to pay more than 2 people to work at any given time. The girl who was checking me out was really nice and blamed the computer for my card not working. After the third time swiping it through, she called the manager who bumbled over all angry and stuff, blowing smoke as she came (literally) and then loudly and quickly announced that it wasn't working because my card was denied, not because the computer was jacked up. And I was like, "I'm sorry, come again?" And she sighed, stomped her foot and put her hand on her hip and was all, "Hun, it means your card has no money on it." Oh HECK no, lady. First of all, no one gets to call me "Hun" and second, why do you have to say it so loudly and mean like? I half expected sirens to go off and bars to slam down on the windows because we needed even more attention drawn to the fact that I was apparently broke. So then I had to humble myself and do the embarrassing "try this card" thing, praying the whole time that it wouldn't work either so I could prove it was the computer that was messed up and not because I don't know how to balance my checkbook. But the second card worked, dang it, and I had to do the walk of shame out of there. (To my credit, my card was denied because of a bank transfer error so it really wasn't my fault, but still...)

And if that wasn't white trash enough, now I'm trying to kill a mouse that has decided to take up residence in my room. I swear it was not there yesterday and it better not have been there last night although I can't be sure. Ugh! The thought of it crawling around all night while we were sleeping makes me want to vomit. CB and I are sleeping in another room tonight for sure. It is SO disgusting. All of the germs and disease and general nastiness... gross Gross GROSS! I had to totally dismantle my room so I could clean every square inch, including the closet which is piled high with stuff from 1992, I'm sure, because there is no way I will ever be able to sleep in there again unless it's completely sanitized. But as I was in the process of cleaning, my dad told me to stop so the mouse would feel more comfortable and go back to it's secret place and happen upon a trap along the way. Yes, because that is what we want. A mouse to feel comfortable. So now there is junk everywhere and I'm freaking out about every little noise I hear because I know it's trying to eat my Uggs and my favorite dress. I just know it.

I know mice are a byproduct of country living, no matter how clean you are, but that is one thing I can't get used to. We need to stop feeding Blanca the black cat so she will actually do her job and get to them before I have to. Why couldn't it have come last week when my husband was still here? He could have done his Army thing and camped out all stealth like and caught the it with his bare hands or whatever it is he does to capture mice. I don't know what he does, actually. I don't pay attention because dealing with varmint is his domain, not mine. I just want to know when it's dead and gone. I swear, if the thing doesn't take the peanut butter bait and is not in the trap by the morning, I'm taking a blowtorch to the walls... you think I'm kidding?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Well here is the big news people. I'm sorry to say that judging from the relentless phone calls and emails wondering what the big news could be, many people are going to be disappointed and this will be more anti climatic than most tv season finales these days. But it is still big news for us as we have worked hard to get to this point.

There has been lots of weaning going on around here. Surprisingly, none of it involves CB. That girl has no intentions of weaning anytime soon, that's for sure. After 8 days of being away from her, she went right back to nursing as if I had never been gone, which was a welcome relief especially considering that I hadn't pumped for the 12 hours before we got home.

No, it's W and I who have done all the weaning. I have weaned myself from my Hot Tamales addiction. I don't know how I did it and honestly, I didn't even realize I was doing it. I think it happened because I have finally found food in a box that I can eat and that tastes delicious. Who knew rice flour and date paste could be so divine? I only wish I had known about it sooner, like 8 months ago perhaps. The brand is called Enjoy Life and they make a wide variety of foods (including some AMAZING cookies that I love) that are free of the top 8 allergens. I know it sounds impossible to make a food that is actually edible while avoiding wheat/gluten, dairy, peanuts, tree nuts, egg, soy, fish or shellfish and even casein, potato, sesame and sulfites, but they have done it and deserve a medal or the Nobel Peace Prize, that's for sure. So no more Hot Tamales for me, for the most part. I've cut back to about 1, 7 oz box per week, which is a lot considering I was going through a a 5lb bag every week... how am I not 300 pounds?

And W has sucessfully weaned from the binkie. That is the HUGE news and what I am most excited about. I am shocked and amazed that it happened so quickly and seemingly peacefully. You have to understand that this was his ONLY security item and he was very attached. But it's gone and he hasn't asked for it in about 3 days. M and I took him and CB out for a couple of days and stayed in a hotel overnight. When we got there it was just about bedtime and we told him that the beds in the room were special beds and he didn't need a binkie to sleep in them. He fussed for a few seconds but then went to sleep. It might have helped that he was SO tired sleep was invevitable but that's besides the point.

The next day was pretty rough though, as he didn't nap and had spent about 3 hours playing on the beach AND we had a 3 hour drive home AND his stomach was extremely upset. He did fine until about the last hour of the drive and then started asking for his blue binkie... Blue Binkie... BLUE BINKIE!!!!!!!! Over and over and over until he was hysterical and nothing would calm him down. He hadn't had the thing for over 24 hours and I didn't want to give in so we all cried in the car until we finally got close to home and, of course, he fell asleep right when we turned on our street.

We had told him the day before that if he had no more binkies, we would buy him his very own blue fish, which he was seriously stoked about. Since he had actually gone 2 days without the bink, we went and got him his very own blue fish, and he named it Blue Fish. Although, the fish he chose wasn't actually a blue fish, but a white fish with blueish fins. He's happy though and that's all that matters to me.

So without further ado, meet our newest addition, Blue Fish:

Self cleaning and small, only eats once a day... I highly recommend this thing as a first pet. The best part is the thing was only $2.50. A VERY small price to pay for such a huge accomplishment. I'm so dreading the day when a fish won't satisfy him and he wants the $300 lizard or the $950 puppy that has to be house broken and walked and pees all over my floor and taught not to chew my shoes... So many things to look forward to. In the meantime, I will continue to revel in this milestone and silently cry that my baby boy is growing up way too fast for my liking.

back, kinda

We're back and trying desperately to get back to "normal". M is back "home" after goodness knows how many hours of flying and layovers. W is just starting to realize he's gone, although if you ask him where his daddy is, he will tell you he's "on a plane going to rack." CB doesn't really know what has happened, but she does ask for M every now and then. Poor girl is cutting 2 more teeth so she really doesn't care about much other than getting relief for the pain. Chewing on the table legs seems to be her drug of choice. I am trying not to think about the next 6 months and am focusing on folding the 9 loads of laundry I have put off folding for the past 3 weeks.

We had a fantastic time and there is so much to tell and SO many pictures to go through. Be thankful you aren't actually here with me, because I would make you sit and watch all 796 pictures in a slide show, in one setting. So to be kind, I'll choose a select few and edit them nicely and post them sometime in the next few days... along with stories that I think are freaking funny, but that none of you will find even remotely interesting.

There's also some big news to share, but that will have to wait until later because I'm much too lazy and tired to post it now. And, no, I'm not pregnant so don't get all excited (or disgusted) and stuff. That is not the news I have to share. It's not that big, but I guess it is kind of big because it does involve an addition to our family.

More to come later...