it's not supposed to be like that

A couple of nights ago, I was feeling stressed out and tired so I decided to pull out a yoga DVD I've had since I was in college. The DVD has two workouts, one for the morning and one of the evening. I used to do the routines a lot when I was working and going to school but haven't had time to do them since the babies came along.

The box says the PM yoga routine is supposed to help you "transition from the business of the day to a peaceful evening". Sounds pleasant, doesn't it? I should only be so lucky.

I pulled out my yoga mat but the thing had been rolled up so long that when I tried to unroll it, it rolled right back up. That should have been a sign from the Higher Power that this was not a good idea. I turned on the DVD and read all of the disclaimers, understanding that I am risking my life and limb by doing this yoga routine and if I fall on my head, I can't sue them for me being a weak dumb butt who can't hold her weight in a simple yoga pose.

Then we began the routine. Nice relaxing music was on in the background, the kids were asleep and I was finally able to hear myself breathe. Then we got to the "workout" portion of the routine.

Since my yoga mat kept trying to roll up on it's own, my toes ended up getting caught in the edge and I tripped, like an idiot, falling on my side. No problem, I'm got up and got back on the horse because DANG IT, I needed to freaking relax!

The next few poses were supposed to be simple but they were challenging for me because I literally had not stretched in oh, I don't know, 3 years? The woman on the DVD was putting her forehead on the ground from a standing position and I could barely bend so my back was parallel to the ground. My self esteem was dropping by the second but I was determined to continue because this stupid routine was supposed to "lull me into a deep slumber".

Then she instructed me to get into the downward facing dog position. That was funny. No, really, I laughed out loud. There was no way I was going to be able to do that. But I ended up exceeding my own expectations and was able to get into the position... kind of. So there I was, stretching muscles I haven't felt in years and waiting for my next instruction, but it never came. I kept thinking we were holding this butt busting pose for a long time and I finally looked up to see that the DVD had frozen. Well, crap. I wasn't sure how to get out of the pose without hyper extending something, so I just kind of fell to the floor. All I can say is thank goodness the curtains were closed and there was no chance of anyone seeing me look so foolish.

I ejected the DVD to try to see what the problem was and discovered it was really scratched up. I know I haven't used this DVD enough to have worn it out, like we have done to the Cars DVD. The size of my thighs proves that. W must have gotten a hold of it because, haven't you heard, DVD cases are the most fun thing to play with these days. So I spent a good 20 minutes cleaning the disk and buffing out the scratches.

I was still on a mission to relax but I realized I had stressed myself out even more than I was before I started my mission to relax and now my knee hurt, too. I put the stupid disk back in anyway and continued the routine.

I never did get to finish it. About 3 minutes later, one of the alarm clocks started going off in my room, where CB was sleeping. W likes to push the buttons on the clock and must have flipped the alarm switch, which was set for midnight because he had unplugged the clock earlier that morning and I never reset it. So I flew up the stairs, hurting my other knee in the process, so the incessant beeping wouldn't wake the baby. Oddly enough, the beeping didn't wake her up. But as I tried to leave the room to finish my stress reducing yoga poses, I stepped on a Little People (you know, the Fisher Price toys??) and that woke her up, signaling the end of my "relaxing" yoga session.

I ended up not falling asleep for 2 more hours, as I was trying to tame the teething beast and so wound up from the stupid DVD and all of it's "issues". I don't think that is the intent of the video. Yoga is not supposed to do that to a person. I don't think yoga is my "thing". I'll stick to watching other people do it as I flip through the channels on the TV.