it's time

I'm taking the fact that I have almost gotten into 6 car accidents in the past few days (not my fault, of course. I only hit poles, not other cars.) and that my photoshop has suddenly stopped working, even though I have about 18 projects to work on, as a sign that I need to slow down and take some time to rest. Everything seems to be moving so fast these days and it's starting to become a struggle to keep up. I'd rather just ride in the wake and not have to struggle to do anything but that's not really a possibility, is it?

It is the season of change and I can see it in almost every aspect of my life. Some good and some sad. We are officially debt free now, which opens up a world of possibility for us. I know it's hard to believe that we could be debt free, considering my stroller and carseat addictions and the fact that I've probably spent $300 on Cars- the Movie diecast cars in the past couple of weeks, but it's true. We are debt free and it feels so good!

Both of my kids are growing and thriving and W is finally feeling better and eating normally again. It is so weird to see CB with chunky thighs and every time I look at her I cannot believe how big she has gotten and how quickly it has happened. Just one year ago I was seriously struggling with an tiny 7 month old, 11 pound baby who did nothing but scream all. day. long. I think back to that time and wonder just how I got through without the use of alcohol or recreational drugs. Thankfully that time in my life is becoming a distant memory and now I'm realizing that I can actually take time to actually enjoy my kids. Weird concept for me.

It's so much fun to watch the kids grow and learn together. They almost seem like twins, and everyone seems to think they are, until they stand up and they see that W is about 7 inches taller than CB is. Their heads are the same exact size so it looks like they could be twins when they are sitting, I guess. But with them growing up comes the realization that I don't have a baby anymore. And while that is a good thing in some ways because I truly, truly loathe the newborn and infant stage, it still makes me sad because this is the first time in 3 years that I don't have a baby to take care of.

This past year has been full of blessing and stress, accomplishment and downfall and lots and lots of learning. I was blessed to be able to welcome my husband home on his R&R and spend 18 fabulous, yet too short days with him. I struggled as I watched his friends be laid to rest, wondering why it had to happen and what would keep it from happening to us. I was honored to be able to attend some spectacular births and watch families be born and mothers find strength inside themselves they didn't know they had. I cried and cursed as plans failed and changed and thanked God when everything worked out exactly how it needed to.

I know that I haven't been a very good friend to my friends this year. I have lost contact with many and that makes me so sad. I miss them. I miss being there for them and how they make me laugh and I miss the endless hours we would spend doing nothing that is productive. I hope that when we are settled I can become a better friend again, if it's not too late altogether.

I would like to think that I am a better person after this year, but I can't say that I am. I'm certainly more realistic than I used to be. I still laugh at that young, naive girl who said her kids would never watch tv and would never go to daycare. All bets are off now. I will never say never again. Most days it's tempting to go get a job just so I can pay to put them in daycare. Being a mom is no joke. This is hard work. Thankfully we have been blessed to have family here to help out and give me breaks when I need them. Their support and help have been truly invaluable over the past year. I'm positive I could not have done this alone. A small part of me wonders how the heck I'm going to manage for 2 months without help once we do move back home, before M gets there.

But it's time. It is time to go home and have a "normal" life. It's time to become a family again and get into a routine. It's time to leave the past year in the dust and focus on what is to come. I'm excited to see what our life is going to be like. For the first time in a long time I actually feel at peace about the future and can look at it with optimism instead of dread. Well, except for those 2 months in Germany that we are going to be without our household goods before we move back to the States again. Yeah, that's going to suck big time.

I have about 3 more weeks to get everything done before we leave so new blog posts will be few and far between. I still think it's crazy that you guys have stuck with me this far, through all the whining and complaining and really bad days. I must be like a train wreck or something you just can't stop watching because it's so gloriously bad. In all seriousness though, I really appreciate your prayers and support and I hope that you will stick with us through this move and the changes to come.