it's time

I'm taking the fact that I have almost gotten into 6 car accidents in the past few days (not my fault, of course. I only hit poles, not other cars.) and that my photoshop has suddenly stopped working, even though I have about 18 projects to work on, as a sign that I need to slow down and take some time to rest. Everything seems to be moving so fast these days and it's starting to become a struggle to keep up. I'd rather just ride in the wake and not have to struggle to do anything but that's not really a possibility, is it?

It is the season of change and I can see it in almost every aspect of my life. Some good and some sad. We are officially debt free now, which opens up a world of possibility for us. I know it's hard to believe that we could be debt free, considering my stroller and carseat addictions and the fact that I've probably spent $300 on Cars- the Movie diecast cars in the past couple of weeks, but it's true. We are debt free and it feels so good!

Both of my kids are growing and thriving and W is finally feeling better and eating normally again. It is so weird to see CB with chunky thighs and every time I look at her I cannot believe how big she has gotten and how quickly it has happened. Just one year ago I was seriously struggling with an tiny 7 month old, 11 pound baby who did nothing but scream all. day. long. I think back to that time and wonder just how I got through without the use of alcohol or recreational drugs. Thankfully that time in my life is becoming a distant memory and now I'm realizing that I can actually take time to actually enjoy my kids. Weird concept for me.

It's so much fun to watch the kids grow and learn together. They almost seem like twins, and everyone seems to think they are, until they stand up and they see that W is about 7 inches taller than CB is. Their heads are the same exact size so it looks like they could be twins when they are sitting, I guess. But with them growing up comes the realization that I don't have a baby anymore. And while that is a good thing in some ways because I truly, truly loathe the newborn and infant stage, it still makes me sad because this is the first time in 3 years that I don't have a baby to take care of.

This past year has been full of blessing and stress, accomplishment and downfall and lots and lots of learning. I was blessed to be able to welcome my husband home on his R&R and spend 18 fabulous, yet too short days with him. I struggled as I watched his friends be laid to rest, wondering why it had to happen and what would keep it from happening to us. I was honored to be able to attend some spectacular births and watch families be born and mothers find strength inside themselves they didn't know they had. I cried and cursed as plans failed and changed and thanked God when everything worked out exactly how it needed to.

I know that I haven't been a very good friend to my friends this year. I have lost contact with many and that makes me so sad. I miss them. I miss being there for them and how they make me laugh and I miss the endless hours we would spend doing nothing that is productive. I hope that when we are settled I can become a better friend again, if it's not too late altogether.

I would like to think that I am a better person after this year, but I can't say that I am. I'm certainly more realistic than I used to be. I still laugh at that young, naive girl who said her kids would never watch tv and would never go to daycare. All bets are off now. I will never say never again. Most days it's tempting to go get a job just so I can pay to put them in daycare. Being a mom is no joke. This is hard work. Thankfully we have been blessed to have family here to help out and give me breaks when I need them. Their support and help have been truly invaluable over the past year. I'm positive I could not have done this alone. A small part of me wonders how the heck I'm going to manage for 2 months without help once we do move back home, before M gets there.

But it's time. It is time to go home and have a "normal" life. It's time to become a family again and get into a routine. It's time to leave the past year in the dust and focus on what is to come. I'm excited to see what our life is going to be like. For the first time in a long time I actually feel at peace about the future and can look at it with optimism instead of dread. Well, except for those 2 months in Germany that we are going to be without our household goods before we move back to the States again. Yeah, that's going to suck big time.

I have about 3 more weeks to get everything done before we leave so new blog posts will be few and far between. I still think it's crazy that you guys have stuck with me this far, through all the whining and complaining and really bad days. I must be like a train wreck or something you just can't stop watching because it's so gloriously bad. In all seriousness though, I really appreciate your prayers and support and I hope that you will stick with us through this move and the changes to come.

the obvious

Yesterday I went to have my teeth cleaned. Some may be surprised I will willingly go back into the dentist chair after the fiasco that was the root canal, but cleanings don't bother me. And they are free so I say, why not? When I pulled into the parking lot, this big SUV cut me off and started racing me for a parking spot. Funny thing was there were 3 spots left, all next to each other. I guess she wanted to ensure that she didn't have to walk 3 extra steps to the office. It can be so excruciating to walk that much further. I blew it off, whatever. There was a good song on the radio so I was rocking out and didn't really care.

I parked my car and got out, but the SUV lady was still in her car, talking to herself. Since CA passed this hands free law, everyone is constantly talking to themselves, or at least looks like they are talking to themselves but really they are talking into their bluetooths. My problem is that I'm so narcissistic that I think everyone is talking to me so I'm always getting defensive when someone comes up behind me in the grocery store or parking lot and starts talking to me for no reason. Then it takes me about 30 seconds to realize that they aren't talking to me and then I get all offended. It's really become a big issue and I'm trying hard to work through it.

Anyway, I walked into the dentist office behind 2 other people and stood by the door as they signed in at the counter. I'm all for that HIPPA crap so I give some respect by standing as far away as possible. While I was waiting, the SUV lady finally walked in and stood next to me. Then she proceeded to walk to the counter and sign in after the 2 in front of me were done. Now, if you know me, you know that I don't take this kind of thing lightly, especially these days. My time is precious and I was waiting patiently for my turn and this chick cut? Oh heck no! So I started half way laughing with the undertone of "what the heck you stupid bimbo?!" and waited my turn AGAIN as she singed in.

When I finally got up to the counter the receptionist asked me how I was doing and I (I guess a little loudly) told her that I was apparently invisible because everyone just seems to cut me off for no good reason. She kind of laughed and said "Yeah, I saw that...", but you know she was thinking, "Please, please don't make me jump over this counter to keep you from kicking her in the face!" The woman who cut in front of me piped up from her chair and said "I didn't see you standing there." Really? REALLY?! I don't know what your super power is lady, but you wanna know what mine is? I can see right through BS. No, I am so serious! It's true. I know it can be hard to believe, and many don't believe it's possible, but I really can see right through bull crap.

I am 5 foot 10 in flats and that day I was about 6 foot 2 because my hair was piled on top of my head in some kind of attempt at the "I just rolled out of bed" look even though it took me about 30 minutes and 17 tries to get it just right. I was carrying a giraffe print bag that could fit a small child in it. I was wearing bright blue! I was standing about 2 feet from the entry way, directly in front of the door, when she walked in. There's no way she could have missed me. But, since she missed seeing me in the parking lot and as a result cut me off, and missed seeing me in the line to sing in and as a result cut in front of me, I politely suggested that she go see an optometrist instead of the dentist because clearly, her eyes were in more need of care than her teeth.

Shockingly, or not, I didn't have to wait to get into the room to have my teeth cleaned. They called me back less than 5 seconds after I sat down to wait. After I sat down, the hygienist, who looked like he was about 3 years younger than me, told me he needed to take my blood pressure because, "per standard procedure now, we won't work on you if your blood pressure is too high." Um, who the heck determines what is "too high" and are you even qualified to take my blood pressure? Do you even know how to do it, correctly? I pretty much told him that he could kiss it and that he was going to clean my teeth whether my blood pressure was 100/50 or 200/150. I didn't arrange for childcare drag my lazy butt all the way into town only to be told they wouldn't work on me because my blood pressure was too high. That is discrimination.

He thought I was kidding. I don't think anyone had informed him of the scene I had just made 3 minutes prior. But, he made a good choice and worked on my teeth, making them nice and shiny, and even gave me the chocolate flavored tooth polish instead of the mint one so I didn't throw up all over him. Then he told me that "just for fun" we should take my blood pressure. BS, again. I knew he would get busted if he didn't take it at least once and chart it and since he was new, and I didn't feel like getting anyone fired, I obliged. 158/110. My high end of normal is 110/70. He was like, "oh, most people have higher blood pressure when they go to the dentist". Yeah, not me. Not this time at least. After what happen last time, this was nothing and certainly not something to get worked up about.

I'm stressed. Sooooooooooo so so stressed out. Could this be why I feel like my heart is beating in my forehead most of the time and why I can see my pulse pumping when I look at my wrist? Perhaps. Maybe I should consult a physician? Probably. Am I going to? Not a chance. I don't have time. There's too much to do and not enough time to do it. I have got to prioritize and get organized and pull myself together. This is out of control.

a teenie tiny update

Thank you to everyone for your emails and calls to see how W is doing. I'm so sorry I haven't been able to update. I haven't had a chance and I'm in the process of switching computers which messes everything up. Well, not so much messes everything up as much as I'm just too lazy to actually log into my blogger account on the new computer. Pitiful excuse, I know. But I have reached that point. I am that tired and 110% tapped out, scraping the bottom of the tank just to keep going for one more mile. I have a few seconds now as I sit here stealing Wi-Fi again, this time from a coffee shop as I eat my breakfast souffle. You know you are jealous of the dental hygienist who gets to clean my teeth in a half hour.

W is doing much better. We had a scare a few days ago and I ended up racing him back up to the hospital. In the process he managed to spill a chocolate milk shake all over himself and his carseat which made for an interesting hour and a half ride and a two hour cleaning process for me yesterday. Thank goodness CB wasn't with us so he could sit in her seat for the rest of the day. When we got to the hospital, the doctor forced his mouth open, which might as well have been considered a form of torture for both of us, and declared him stubborn. Duh.

He gave me the choice to have him admitted for more IV fluids and pain meds or to get different pain meds and go home. I chose to go home. I told W that if he didn't start eating and drinking he would have to have an IV put back in his arm and I believe his exact words were, "Pass the water, woman". The past 2 days have been much better than the previous 8 and I felt comfortable enough to leave him with his Opa and Oma yesterday and took him to school today.

His teachers were shocked today when I arrived with W's lunch and it was filled with junk. Apparently I have a reputation there because I only send him to school with healthy food. That is not normal? Dang. But look out because today he has Jello AND fruit snacks AND a piece of bread smeared with Nutella. I doubt he eats any of it because all he has eaten for the past 7 days is ice cream. We have gone through 3 half gallon containers of it and he screams for it in the middle of the night. I'm going to be doomed when I try to get him back to eating regular food. Now that he knows the delectible goodness that is ice cream, I'm not sure that he will change his ways without a fight. At least it's calories though. That kid can have as many chicken nuggets and tacos for the next few months. I'm desperate to put some weight on him as he's lost about 4 pounds and looks like a kid you see in a "sponser this child for 80 cents a day" commercial.

I will hope and pray that we have seen the last of the tonsil/ adenoid issues and that we won't have to go through anything like this again. Oh yes, for those of you who have asked, and I never answered, his surgery was to put tubes in his ears and take out his tonsils and adenoids. Just a little, routine procedure. I guess nothing is ever "routine" or "little" with us.

home sweet home

We are home from the hospital!

He's still not eating and drinking like he should be but he's doing better. We met with his "team" this morning to figure out what our plan of attack was going to be. I had no idea he even had a "team", let alone one that included 2 MDs, a Fellow, 2 Residents, a Charge Nurse, a RN, a nursing student and a Child Play Therapist/ psychologist person. At the end of our meeting, we compromised and decided to give him a few hours to try to get him to drink 300mL before they were going to suggest/ highly encourage medicating him into a deep sleep for 24 hours to give his throat a complete rest and a chance to heal. You can imagine how I felt about that.

One of the doctors wanted to check his mouth but W was absolutely refusing to open it and that was concerning them. At that point, one of the nurses and I were trying to get him to drink some juice through a syringe but he wasn't having it. Since he wasn't opening his mouth for the doctor, she got out a tongue depressor and told W she was going to have to open his mouth for him, unless he could drink the juice for her. He grabbed that juice faster than I have seen him move in 4 days and managed to get 5mL down before he started choking. A few minutes later he took another 5mL and about 2 hours later he was able to eat 1/2 a yogurt over the course of an hour. He also had about 1/4 cup of chocolate shakey milk during the next 2 hours which was highly encouraging. But after that, he was done.

They decided to send us home, with the theory that he was making progress and would probably want to eat and drink normally once he got into his normal routine. So far, that's not really proving to be true. He has taken about 30mL of juice, but only because we tricked him and told him it was medicine and it would make him feel better.

If he doesn't improve in the next couple of days, we will have to go back. I have to count diapers to make sure he's having enough wet ones, which he isn't but I'll give him another day before I start to freak out. As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to keep pumping the pain meds into him. He's still talking through clenched teeth constantly, which means his throat is really hurting him and that's with a constant dose of Tylenol.

I'm expecting it to be another long night, but mostly because I got food poisoning from the "food" I picked up on the way home. Too bad I can't take the codeine too... It would only be fitting for us to have a rough night tonight though. It was exactly one year ago tonight that we had a horrid night of no sleep. I remember because that was the night M left on his all expenses paid trip to Iraq. One year down!! And only 3 or 4 (most likely 4) months to go. Yay us! How we have made it through is beyond me, really.