i have a problem (again)

I have recently discovered the wonderful goodness of Hot Tamales. They are amazing. So amazing that I ate 2, 5 pound bags in less than 2 weeks. There is just something about them... something about the combination Carnauba Wax, modified food starch, Red #40 and Blue #2 Lake that just makes my mouth water. I do find it odd that my daughter doesn't react when I eat any of that junk, but she has a reaction to peaches.

These wonderful jewels of gummy spicy delight have become my vice. Some of you have coffee, or wine, or chocolate, I have this. I'm not permitted by my 11 month old diet coach dictator to partake of any of the normal vices. Let me tell you though, I'm so glad I have found these.

But now I have a problem. I believe I have become addicted. As far as I have researched, and I research a lot, there is nothing addicting about Pectin, but I think my body has been deprived of sugar and corn syrup for so long that it's making up for lost time. I ran out of Hot Tamales a few days ago and I started to crave them. Because I was too lazy to go to the store to buy more, I ate healthy stuff again. I tried to curb the cravings with carrot sticks and fruit leather but it didn't work. I NEEDED them. I needed to much on them mindlessly while reading emails or driving. I needed them when I got stressed out and anxious to calm me down. Nothing else would work.

Last night I was out and on my way home, I saw a store and decided that I simply could not make the 28 minute drive without having anything to munch on. It was like my car was driving itself there. I couldn't stop it. I felt like I was sneaking out to buy cigarettes. Not that I know what it feels like to buy cigarettes. Ok, I do. I used to buy them for a few of my roommates all the time. I was an enabler and I liked it. Why did I do it? Because it made them happy and nice and that made my life happy and nice.

I just needed a fix. Just a little bit. So I jumped out of the car and ran into the store, braving the "cold" 39 degrees without a jacket. It took me a few minutes to find the candy aisle, as I had stopped in one of those "upscale" stores that tries to give them impression they are healthy so they hide the junk stuff in the back. Once I found it, it was like an instant calm came over me. I practically ran to the checkout so I could tear into them and then I became self conscious because I felt like people would judge me for only buying 3 boxes of candy. So I got cash back.

Once I was in the car, I took my first bite and it was heaven. Half a box later, I was almost home and almost satisfied. Now, 28 hours later, I'm down two boxes and trying to make the third one last. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow, for reasons completely unrelated to my sugar addiction, so I won't be able to indulge the senses for most of the day. I guess this is a good thing... I bet you can guess what the first I'm going to do once that Novocaine wears off is...