merry (belated) christmas!

Christmas has come and gone and I have to say that I'm both relieved and impressed that I made it through without crying. I did cuss a few times but I didn't shed a tear. The tree will be coming down shortly so I can finally put the holiday season behind me. There's not much to take down this year, as you can see in the photo above. Lets be honest, your tree was nowhere as awesome as mine was. Not every tree has a piece of (clean!) Kleenex as it's central ornament. I guess the piece of Kleenex, which was put on the tree about 2 weeks ago, is much better than the balls of socks that W was throwing on the tree before he put the Kleenex on there. And not every tree only has 6 ornaments on it. That is how we baby proof around here. We just make it so they can't get into anything and let me tell you how much easier that made my life.

I think I will keep our awesome Little People manger up for awhile though. W seems to really love baby Jesus and we can get him to eat a meal if we tell him he can sit next to baby Jesus and feed him. One morning a few days ago I asked W where baby Jesus was and he told me he was in his car seat. And then I realized that W thought baby Jesus was in a car seat because the manger filled with hay looked like an infant seat. I hate that he is smarter than me.

W had a great time this year. This is the first time he was aware of Christmas. He thought every present was for him and helped everyone open their gifts. I ended up getting him a tricycle and a race track for his cars and he got more things with wheels from everyone else that he won't need another set of wheels until he's 16 and forced to drive his siblings around because I'm too lazy to do it. One of the funniest moments of the day was when he got on his tricycle for the first time and said "on! on!" because he wanted me to flip the on switch to make the darn thing go. I guess that is what happens when everything he's ever played with is battery powered and has speakers.

CB also had a good time but was quickly overwhelmed and tired out by the festivities. She didn't understand what was going on but she did enjoy all of the paper that was accessible for her to eat. I got her a learning table and she really likes it, especially because she's now strong enough to pull herself up to play whenever she wants! (YAY!!)

We had really good time and I am so thankful to our friends and family who spoiled my kids rotten and made our THREE days of celebrating very special. Daddy was greatly missed but we kept him in our hearts and thought of him often.

moron

So a few days ago I was Christmas shopping (blah) and I encountered a first rate moron. This chick was a sales person at one of those stores that encourages their employees to accost you as soon as you walk in the door and continue to follow you around asking you if you need anything? are you finding everything ok? can I help you find something? are you sure you don't need anything? are you shopping for yourself? do you need ideas for a gift for someone? are you sure I can't find something for you? and on and on and on until you either politely tell them to back the heck off or deck them... whatever comes first. Dude, I know your job sucks and you have to make your sales but if you were less annoying, I'd be more likely to buy something.

So she's following me around and I was holding the baby and the baby was sucking on my key chain which says the field my husband works in all over it. Because she was genuinely interested, scratch that, because she wanted to kiss my butt so I bought something from her, she asked me about the key chain and I told her my husband was in the Army. And she says something like Oh, I had no idea that there was an Army base around here and I was like, well, there isn't an Army POST around here and we don't even live here. And she was like, what are you doing here and I was all, I'm here because my husband is deployed right now and I don't want to spend the friggin holidays alone.

So she gets this sad look on her face but not because she feels sad for me, more because I have pulled the trump card and she knows that she can't top that one and she's totally confused about what to say next. So she goes, Oh! I TOTALLY know how you feel and I was like, really? Your husband served in the war? And she was all, well, no. This one time, like 2 years ago, he went on a 3 day camping trip with his buddies and it was HORRIBLE for me. I couldn't stand being away from him for those three days and I cried the whole time.

Riiiiiiiiiiight. That is TOTALLY the same as my husband being in danger every second of every day and only getting to talk to him once a week. Three days is just like being gone for FIFTEEN MONTHS and having your husband miss 2 of your son's 3 birthdays, your daughter's first Christmas, her first birthday and all of her "firsts" milestones. In those three days, did you have to make life changing decisions that will determine the course of the rest of your life over email? Did you have to explain to your son that daddy can't hold him through the phone? Did you have to deal people being stupid and telling you they know exactly what you are going through, even if they CLEARLY do not have any kind of clue what you are going trough? I didn't think so, so sit down and SHUT UP!

Unless your husband, the father of your children, the love of your life and your best friend has put on that uniform and said goodbye to his 2 screaming children and crying wife and watched them drive away knowing full well he might not ever see them again and knowing that if he did get to see them again, it wouldn't be for at least 8 months, you cannot say you understand how I feel. Unless your heart jumps every time there is an unexpected knock at the door or you get that sinking feeling every time you see a strange car driving down the road towards your house or you freak out when you see a strange number on the caller ID because any one of these things could be delivering the worst news possible, you couldn't possibly know what I'm going through or feeling.

And, by the way, you thinking you know JUST what I am going through is incredibly insulting to the sacrifice we are making for YOU and makes YOU look like the world's biggest moron so do yourself a favor and keep quiet. MORON!

you're a mean one, mr. grinch...

I've decided that the older you get, the less fun Christmas time becomes. Last year was the first year I've actually dreaded the Christmas season. I think that had something to do with the fact that I had just moved to Germany and I was very pregnant with CB. We had decided we weren't going to do anything for Christmas, which would save us a lot of money and W would never know the difference. But on Dec 23, I realized that it was cruel to deny W the joy of tearing open presents and subsequently spending hours playing with the remnants, so we went and bought W a wooden puzzle and a toy truck. But then we got home and I realized that I didn't have any kind of wrapping paper in the house, so I gave myself an A for effort and called it good. At least I put up a tree... too bad I got sick of dealing with it and took it down the day after Christmas.

This year, I'm just not feeling it, even more so than last year. Could be because I'm so swamped with everything else or it could be because part of my family is missing. I don't think it's very fair for us to be celebrating and having a good time while he's so far away and not able to celebrate at all. Plus it's just not the same without him being around. Honestly though, I'm not sure how I know it's not the same, because I have no basis of comparison to know what a normal Christmas would be. He's been gone for 2 of the 4 Christmas seasons we've been together and I don't count last year as a real Christmas because it was such a bust. It's good to know that he's being fair to the kids and missing both of their first Christmases.

I'm happy to say that I no longer get nauseous when I hear a Christmas song like I did earlier this month. Either I'm getting desensitized or my frigid heart is thawing. I haven't had the urge to hurt people while shopping, which is always a plus. I don't dare go out during peak hours though. Someone would end up in jail.

I'll do Christmas for the kids. W is at the age where he totally digs Baby Jesus, presents, trees with lights on them and Santa, as long as Santa is on the first floor of the mall and W is on the second floor of the mall. CB doesn't care about Christmas, I don't think. As long as she has paper to eat, she's good to go. She certainly doesn't like Santa either. Her picture with Santa includes a pouty lip and tears, and me flying by as I threw her in Santa's lap and ran while screaming "TAKE THE PICTURE!!"

I think I know what I'm going to get W this year but have no clue what to get for CB. She doesn't really show a preference for anything. Like I told my friend T tonight, she judges everything equally. People keep asking me what I want for Christmas and I don't know the answer. I haven't even had a chance to think about it. I should probably sit down and do that sometime soon considering there are only 11 shopping days left... I guess the only really great thing about this Christmas season is that I'm not going to have to worry about losing those pesky holiday pounds!! Rock on for me!

progress report

I know I probably shouldn't feel that bad about not updating this, as all of my friends who have blogs have been serious slackers when it comes to updating theirs, but I do feel bad. They probably have great excuses like being busy with important things such as Christmas shopping and spreading holiday cheer, two things I have absolutely no interest in doing this year, but I don't have any excuse, really. I don't even know what I do all day anymore. It's pretty much just one big blur from 6 am to midnight.

I know I've been busy running around the metropolitan areas trying to get supplies for my budding business venture. I also know that I've managed to spend a lot of money on gas these past few weeks with all the driving I've done. Not that it's that hard to spend money on gas these days. I know I've been reading a lot and researching tons so I can be good at what I do. I thought I had been doing a good job of keeping in contact with my friends, but then I got an email from my best friend T "gently" reminding me that she had sent me an email like 4 days ago and I still hadn't replied. I'm pretty sure her exact words were "U Butt! oh my gaw! you are the worst person to get a hold of. has anyone ever told you that?". Man, I miss that chick more than words can say. She is the only person on this earth who can say that to me without me waving my finger and going all "FIRST OF ALL" on her. I was sure I had emailed her back, because deep down I really am a good friend, but then I looked at my inbox and realized that I had about 14 emails from the past week that I had read, but never responded to. That could have something to do with the fact that the only time I am getting online these days to do "fun" stuff is when I'm feeding the baby and I can't really type well with 1 hand. Goodness, I need my Boppy. Too bad I'm too cheap to go buy another one.

It's not just the personal stuff that's keeping me busy. The kids are pretty much out of control these days. W has decided that I must hold him at all times all day and CB has decided that she is going to get her fiber intake from eating little invisible specks of something in the carpet and paper. Lots of paper. I try to keep it away from her but her brother thinks it's funny when he gives it to her and I start to yell. Then I get mad at him for him thinking it's funny and then he throws things. Because that is what you do when you are angry. You throw whatever you can, even if you have to rip the pacifier from your own mouth, just to launch it to prove your point. He's such an activist. Actually I should give him some credit because today, he got angry at me and went to toss his little IKEA chair that's part of his table set across the room, but he realized he would get in big fat trouble if he did that. So he stopped himself and proceeded to gently put the chair down and turn it on its side. Then he did the same with the other one, turned to look at me, smiled, and walked away. I'm doomed.

Retrospectively (is that even a word?), I guess I have been busy and will probably stay this busy until I manage to pull my head out of my butt and get things clear and organized. Who knows when, and if, that will ever happen. I keep saying things will get better. They were supposed to get better when we moved back to CA, then they were supposed to get better once we got settled, then it was Halloween, then it was Thanksgiving and now it's going to get better once Christmas (that I don't even want to do) is over. Maybe there is a light at the end of this crazy spiraling vortex.