Wednesday, February 9, 2011

vanity, reality, mortailty, and all that

For the past few months I've noticed my vision has been getting worse. It got to the point where I couldn't drive at night, had trouble driving during the day, was getting headaches all the time, etc... I finally decided it was time to go to the eye doctor after having to ask W what a sign said because I couldn't see it and he was like, OMG. My mom is so dumb, she can't even read a sign. And I was like, no, I can't see the sign. Big difference.

So I went to the eye doctor and after 17 attempts shooting that friggin puff of air in my eye, I saw the doctor. He informed me that I wasn't blind, just worked way too hard to focus and got tired easily. Oh, and I was farsighted. And then he told me I needed to wear glasses full time. And because the prescription was so slight, it wasn't a good idea for me to get contacts. Yippee!

After much deliberation I picked out some glasses, ordered them and went on my way. A week later I went to pick them up and wondered what the heck I was thinking when I picked them out. They were UGLY. And made me look OLD. Like I was in my THIRTIES. And because I am wicked awesome, I chose to get the transition lenses. Oh yes, I did. So I basically got old people glasses.  I did not like them but there was no way I was going to buy another pair, I had paid good money to look like I was 35. Not only do I have glasses that age me tremendously, but they have also given me this really cute little patch of eczema under my eye, where the lens rests on my cheek. So I'm really pretty these days.

In the meantime, my regular doctor had become quite concerned with my blood pressure. Apparently it is not normal for a 28 year old to have high blood pressure. So he had me come in for an appointment, all 4 kids in tow, and when I got there he asked me with a straight face why I thought my blood pressure was high. Uuuuuuuum, is that a trick question?

And he requested that I go on blood pressure meds to try to regulate it. So let me get this straight. In the course of one week, I was wearing glasses full time AND going on blood pressure meds. No way. Nooooooooooo way. I am 28 years old! There is no reason why I should have to be on blood pressure meds.

And then he gave me the dreaded speech that included the words, "stroke, death, disabled, brain damage, and heart attack". Whoa Whoa Whoa. Did you not hear me? I am TWENTY EIGHT. Not FIFTY. And he literally said, "Well, if you want to be around when you are fifty, you need to get this under control so take the meds". Did we just discuss my mortality? Holy freaking reality check. I am in decent health, a good weight, I eat right and exercise. It isn't like he can tell me to go change my lifestyle and loose twenty pounds and my BP will go down. However, he did suggest counseling to "learn some coping techniques" and perhaps a parenting class or two, to "pick up some new ideas to help with the kids." Yo. I might have panic attacks in my sleep, but I am not a stress case (compared to all I have to deal with) and I do NOT need parenting classes. You suck! That is why I watch SuperNanny, anyway. Humph.

I begrudgingly took the meds. He tried reassuring me that it was just a simple water pill, that the worst I would feel was perhaps the need to use the restroom a couple more times a day... What he failed to mention was that these freaking pills would make me wake up four times a night to pee, make me sweat like a flipping pig for no reason and then would make me have to pee thirty seven times during the day. Not only that, it is just one more pill I need to take... so now I need one of those pill dispensers with the days of the week on them to keep it all straight. And I can't read the labels to see how much of what I need to take without my glasses. So ok, let me put on my glasses so I can take my pills before bed, then wake up four times in the middle of the night to pee while sweating like Whitney Houston.

I swear, if I stepped on a Wii Fit right now it would say, "Hello Joanna. Your Wii Fit age is 467." And it would groan. And I would cry. I am TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. What the crap is wrong with me? I don't want to have a heart attack when I'm fifty. I have four kids. Four amazing and wonderful kids who need their mama as much as I need them. So I will take the stupid pills and continue to live like I'm in a commercial for a pill for overactive bladder syndrome, minus the gray hair, so I can be here for them. But dang. I don't like getting older. This really kind of sucks.


Lorraine said...

Oh Jo! How are we going to get to relax? Now I'm worried about you. I think the diet issues in your house are killing you! Don't you have anyone to ask for help? HUGE HUGS FRIEND! Please, take care of yourself. You owe it to your kids.


Sarah said...

#1: looking 35 is NOT looking old! Thank you very much.
#2: why on earth did you get the transitions lenses? My mother in law has those! ;)
#3: seriously, I hope you can figure out your bp issues and feel better soon.

I heart said...

I would like to ditto all of Sarah's points!!