back to the land of the living?

Maybe? Could there be a light at the end of this newborn twins tunnel? The past 15 weeks have been, well, excruciating, but I feel like we are figuring everything out and that some kind of normalcy may be in our future. Maybe.

I am not good with newborns at all. I crave routine and structure and newborns don't really provide for that, especially 2 of them. I also need sleep, lots of it, and newborn twins certainly do not allow for that to happen. Through the past 15 weeks I've gotten, on average, about 3 hours of sleep a night. I have done every single night feeding alone since M left when the girls were 2 weeks old and yes, I would like a trophy. I used to be really good at sleep deprivation but now, not so much. When I was in college I was so good at sleep deprivation that nearly every paper I wrote in my sleep deprived state would get an A.

Now, instead of spitting out great analysis of political theory, I'm just plain stupid. Like the time I made W a sunbutter and peach salsa sandwich, instead of a sunbutter and apricot jelly sandwich. Or the time I somehow managed to pick up a baby in the middle of the night, changed her diaper (while using their pjs as a wipe, instead of using one of the 40 thousand cloth wipes I have), prepared a bottle and then proceeded to feed it to her, before I woke up and realized that 1) there wass a baby in my arms and 2) that baby was naked and then had to try to figure out how said baby got into my arms and why on earth she was naked. Or then there was the time I looked outside and the concrete duck yard ornament thing was walking around the yard. Yo. Time for a nap! If only that were an option...

The girls are slowly starting to sleep better and become more predictable. They only wake up once around 3am for a feeding and life is so much nicer now that I don't have to pump in the middle of the night. It is my goal to be in bed before midnight every night but there is always so much to do. 4 kids can make a huge mess and even more laundry. I feel as though my entire life revolves around laundry, and food. Food food food. Someone always wants food, or I have pump so the babies can have their food, or I have to think about what kind of food I'm going to eat. It's not as simple as it sounds considering that out of the 5 of us, only W can pretty much eat whatever he wants as I'm back on the wonderful elimination diet for the twins' extremely sensitive stomachs.

So yes, things are looking up for the most part. I am still so far behind that I often wonder if it's even worth trying to catch up. One day I will have it all together again, I hope (and pray) but in the mean time I am just trying to maintain the basics and keep everyone fed and clean. Perhaps one day I will be back to my fun, creative self, instead of being the tired old witch that I have become. Maybe.