cleansed

Six days after my previous visit to the hospital, I started having a weird pain in my gut. I put it in the back of my mind during the morning but as the day wore on, it became more pronounced. By 6 that night I was on google, trying to diagnose myself. Dr.  Google said my appendix was most likely exploding, as the pain was in my lower right abdomen, but I didn't have a fever so I was like, "whatever" and took some pain meds and went to bed. The second the pain meds wore off I was awake and crying. I was nauseous and couldn't move because my gut was hurting so bad.

I woke M and he drove me to the ER while my mom stayed home with the kids. Thank goodness it was before the bars closed so there weren't too many people there. Again my blood pressure was incredibly high and I could hardly answer the triage nurse's questions. They got me back in a room and I tried really hard to be gracious and answer everyone's questions. A resident had pulled the short straw and got to come ask me all of the same questions the triage nurse and ER nurse had already asked me.  I finally pretty much snapped and told her to READ MY FREAKING CHART because there was NO possible way I was pregnant, this was NOT a miscarriage. And then M took over the question answering duties. Then the resident had to consult with the doctor before they would finally give me anything for the pain. At that point, I was literally on my hands and knees, gripping the head of the bed and grunting like I was in labor, but it was worse than labor because the pain NEVER STOPPED.

The nurse, bless her, finally came in with a serious cocktail of zofran and 2 other amazing medications to take away the pain. Then she made me drink a delicious grapey concoction of contrast solution and sent me off to get a CT scan. CT scans normally suck but this one was awesome. Why? Because it talked and I was so drugged that I really thought it was talking to me. And then, through some mechanical arm, it inserted the contrast solution into my IV and I freaking thought I had been abducted by aliens, or something. I wasn't sure at all what the crap was going on but didn't really care because I felt like I was at Disneyland with all of the meds they had me on.

Sometime later the doctor came back and told me my appendix was fine. And I was like, dude, go back to school because there is NO WAY my appendix is fine. THIS HURTS. And even if it is fine, take it out anyway-- I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE. And while you're at it, take my tonsils too because I don't want those, either. I wasn't exactly rational... but my appendix was, in fact, fine and not inflamed. However, parts of my colon and intestines were thick and "very inflamed" and that was what was causing the pain. Oh, and they also saw several hematomas on my liver. But that wasn't really a big deal and were normally caused by blunt force like being kicked or a stab wound and may go away later. Oh yeah, don't worry about those... they are probably just from when I got into a shank fight after roller derby a couple of weeks ago. Geeze.

So again, I was sent home, armed with pain meds and told to wait out the pain until I would get a colonoscopy done early the next week. While I was waiting that to get the colonoscopy done I couldn't keep anything I ate in. Well, I should say that I couldn't keep any normal food down. The only things I could stomach were potatoes and milkshakes, and I don't even like milkshakes. So for the better part of a week M would stop by Sonic on his way home from work to get me my daily meal of tator tots and a cherry limeade freeze. When I would try to eat real food I'd get sick. And then I realized that I was really getting sick from wheat. Every single time I ate wheat I would get a headache and that stupid abdominal pain again.

I have been asking my primary care doctor for allergy testing since November because I thought it was causing my eczema and he always refused because he insisted that allergies don't cause eczema. I have also been having daily headaches and that side pain, on a much lesser level, since around November. One of the reasons I went to the GYN in the first place was because I thought that pain was from my ovaries, which they ruled out through ultrasound. I had changed doctors and asked my new doctor for allergy testing, but she, having actually graduated in the same class as med school as my previous doctor, also insisted that I didn't need allergy testing because allergies don't cause eczema... yeah, ok... (I have since changed primary doctors AGAIN and will be asking for more comprehensive testing at my next appointment.)

The GI doctor thought I was probably suffering from a Crohn's flare up, although there is absolutely no history of Crohn's in our family and I have no history of flare ups nearly this bad. They also mentioned various types of colitis and cancer. I personally thought my body was just jacked from all of the toxins I had put in it the previous 2 weeks. I had even said that I wanted to detox from all of the pain meds because I just felt gross, but I didn't exactly want to do that kind of detox. I would have much rather drank some tea and ate some leafy greens. Not not eat for 36 hours and drink some salt solution that tasted like the worst over salted margarita EVER. I could hardly get that nasty stuff down. I did everything you aren't supposed to do and put a ton of ice in it and started chasing it with jello because that was the only way I could kind of get it down. I figured, heck, they give me the same amount as they give to a 250 pound man, so I shouldn't have to drink all of it to make it work, right? And oh my goodness did that stuff ever work. It worked so well that I was detoxed, cleansed AND sanctified.

The day of the colonoscopy we went and checked in. It had been over 36 hours since I had been allowed to have my precious tots and milkshake and I was huuuuuuuuungry and weak. I finally got to see the GI doctor and told him what had been going on and he was like, "Well, hey, I think we should go ahead and do an endoscopy too!" Oh REALLY!! Fun!! My esophagus was feeling left out. I've had things stuck in every other orifice, why not just bat for the cycle?

So after some confusion about the lab losing the pregnancy test I had to take 2 days before (mandatory, even though there was absolutely NO possible way I was pregnant) I signed a waiver saying I wouldn't sue if my imaginary baby was born with 3 arms and a missing toe and they wheeled me back to begin the tests. They both went flawlessly and I was able to take an awesome nap. When the nurse started waking me up I begged her to let me sleep for just 20 more minutes. She said no and shoved an orange Popsicle in my mouth. I don't like orange, I like red.

The GI doc didn't see any sign of Crohn's or cancer but he did biopsy a couple of areas. Now we are doing some blood tests and waiting on all of the results. I hope to have a "plan" soon. At least some kind of diagnosis so I know what direction to take and we can keep all of this from happening again. Food is still not my friend. I can stomach small amounts of some foods, but nothing is tasting or feeling good to me. I wanted to lose some weight before summer but losing it this way is just stupid.